Yesterday, dark storm clouds rolled across the sky all morning, alternating shades of gray and bright puffy caps, clearing up and spreading out in the afternoon while the sun burned them off. It’s the optimism that I like from Colorado, the way the storms only linger. But today it’s two o’clock and the clouds are still thick, masking the sun, threatening.

Kyle called last night, at a much more respectable time. I saw his name on the ID and ignored it. He could apologize all he wanted but I didn’t want to hear any of it. I wasn’t strong enough to avoid his message though. I picked the phone up right away and listened, wondering how exactly he planned to right the wrong, to make up for his violation of my trust and privacy both; two things uneasily forgivable. How do you rebuild a trust when such important elements are so easily discarded from the get-go?

After listening to the message through once, I lowered the phone from my ear. As if the situation could get stranger.

He sounded normal. Cheerful even, completely ignoring what had happened earlier in the day. “Hey Katie, sorry I missed you. Guess it’s good that you’re getting out and about! Anyway, just seeing what you were up to and if you’d maybe like to get some frozen yogurt, I know a good place near campus. I’ll be up for a while tonight – no class tomorrow, so if you’re in soon feel free to hit me back. Peace.”

Again Kyle had left me at a loss for words. I wanted to be angry, to say to hell with him, to call him back and curse him out, just to show him. But it was weird. I’ve met some pricks in the last ten years of my life. High school was filled with them, coming into adolescence and realizing their full prick-potential in more ways than one. College no less, just with more experience under their belts. I road tripped with them, I crashed with them, I’ve bailed on them when they show their true selfish nature and turn on you in a way I’ve sometimes barely related to being human. And yes, more times then not they slept it off and the next morning always came back, libido fired up again, begging baby I’m sorry, take me back, I didn’t mean the things I said, I was drunk and stupid. Sometimes you forgive them. Sometimes not. Sometimes they were assholes and said things they didn’t realize were hurtful, only to come back in a better mood later, complaining about the game or whatever else bothered them this week.

I’m not sure then why this was so odd. Perhaps because he seemed sensitive enough to understand that my history is tender, perhaps because he didn’t apologize, perhaps because while he might be interested, wasn’t chasing me to get into my pants like most men – maybe that’s all it was. He was at heart a prick, but without the desperation for sex felt no need to apologize and went bumbling on with insensitive life in general.

Maybe. Still, it didn’t feel right.

Maybe, that stubborn voice in my head said, Maybe it’s because you like him.

Maybe. Too many maybes. Too much insecurity. Fact of the matter was, he can be as nice as he wants, he said the things he said, he did the things he did, and there’s no taking them back.